147 - 29.09.2012

Shh! Now! I don't want but I don't see any other way, any chance... But I'll keep praying... for a miracle. Love is so naive!

146 - 28.09.2012

It was a month ago. And now it's high time to wake up from this dream because it turned into a nightmare. I screwed up everything because of my stupid fear and lack of selfcontrol. And now I have to bear the consequences of my acting. That's all.

She deserves to someone more strong, mature and responsible than a stupid me.


Btw - I hate my health condition. I would like to have a new body! In fact I would like to have the all new me... -__-;

145 - 27.09.2012

And again my body reminded me, that I'm in a cage. I can't forget about my illness because I'll be imprisoned again and all my plans and dreams will be nothing. Let me out, please!!!

144 - 26.09.2012

A little victory, some little fails...

And now I have to be just be myself still. And following my own rules even if people think that I'm naive and not matching to this times. And just TRUST Him, and pray for a strenth...

143 - 25.09.2012

142 - 24.09.2012

It's not so bad... I finished at least one nice thing, I'm able to exist, I'm learning a new skill (transforming my pain and longing into sth positive) and it's going quite good... not so bad... But I shouldn't sleep so much (15 hours WTF?!) - I have so much to do!

141 - 23.09.2012

140 - 22.09.2012

Will I ever stop resisting this cruel, unfair situation? Will I ever stop feeling incomplete? Will I ever accept that we have to passing eachother and I'm not able to make any miracle to change it? Will I ever really stop missing You, the girl born 17.08?... I'm trying to be strong but sometimes it's so hard!

139 - 21.09.2012

It was a moment when everything in my body hurt, I wasn't able to really wake up, to get up from the bed... I didn't see any sense to do it anymore again. And then a simple gesture, a few words supporting my case from somebody who really doesn't have to do it gave me a new strenght. So I stood up straight and I started to work again, even if I'm sure that there is no chance to win...

And I'm learning sth new about my past and current feelings everyday. It's sometimes hard to face with the truth but it helps me so much. Another shot of energy which helps me survive... even if my love is an another thing in my life with no way out or chance for any "happy ending" (or happy whatever)...

138 - 20.09.2012

1. Yep. I'm definitely insane. I should be scared but I'm kinda proud of it!

2.Could anybody explain me, why nice balance in my "emotional life", which I got not so long ago, and my great plans at the University have to be ruined almost at the same time?!?!?! And this time must be around 1 o'clock at the night?! Shit, shit, shit!!!!!! But OK, I'll be strong, I'll be strong, I'llbestrongI'llbestrongI'llbestrongI'llbestrongI'llbestrongI'llbestrongI'llbestrongI'llbestrongI'llbestrongI'llbestrongI'llbestrongI'llbestrongI'llbestrongI'llbestrong... F*CK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At least I have new Companion in my flat. It makes ma a bit better... Just a bit... Enough to survive this night.

137 - 19.09.2012

Autumn is comming... Too cold, too dark... Sun, stay inside of me, please!


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136 - 18.09.2012

Another crazy day of my life... Definitely I should write a book one day. But who will belive in a single world in it?

135 - 17.09.2012

Changes....?

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134 - 16.09.2012

OK. I'm calm, I'm strong beyond any expectation and now I need just a bit of joy.Why I'm so sure that it will be very hard to get?!
Oh, how I would like to renew my life somehow...

133 - 15.09.2012

Life, slow down, please!!! *_*
T-I-R-E-D

132 - 14.09.2012

After last 3 days I'm stronger, calmer, wiser and much more self confident. But, I'm afraid, not happier, less idealistic and very, very tired...

131 - 13.09.2012

Nope. I don't understand people and their hatred :-/// I don't let pull me into not mine, sick conflict!
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

130 - 12.09.2012

Kind of the worst day ever... Still able to live and have hope that it will be better one day... Wow! >.> (But - listen World - I'm an idiot!!!!!! Thanks for your attention)

129 - 11.09.2012

Hold your head up

Keep your head up, movin' on

Hold your head up, movin' on

Keep your head up, movin' on

Hold your head up, movin' on

Keep your head up 

Eurythmics, Sweet Dreams

;-)

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(And, for God's sake, stop listening to whispers of black thoughts! Everything is O.K. with her. Isn't it?)

128 - 10.09.2012

:-) Maybe still there is some strength in me?  My emotions can't ruine me any longer.

127 - 09.09.2012

Just a GOOD day :-) How wonderful it is that there are still people who can awaken in you a belief  that you have the strength to endure everything and remind you of some important issues!

126 - 08.09.2012

I suffer for love, my life is damned complicated but I still remember to put a facial mask.Human being is so ridicoulus creature! :-D

125 - 07.09.2012

I feel better. Yes It's true. But I belive that there will be a day when pain will  completely disappear. A blessed moment when I'll wake up and I'll STOP dreaming... No tears, no desires... Freedom. Yes I'm stronger, it's better but the full truth is that it's  not THE DAY still... I'm so sorry...

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124 - 06.09.2012

Not everything is so bad. I should think just like that! There always will be something nice: a little funny situation, beautiful sunset, music... And there is a small hope that one day everything else will be fine too... and maybe even I will stop missing you...?

123 - 05.09.2012

122 - 04.09.2012

A week...122 days... time...life... But I am here, for now... still breathing :)

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And, yes, somewhere inside of me is sth more than just simple desire and egoistic need of not being lonely...

121 - 3.09.2012

And again I realized that I can't rely on anybody... Kind of routine, isn't it? Whatever... I have to learn how to solve my problems by myself and stop being so childish and dependent on others :)

120 - 02.09.2012

"Your love for her belongs to you. It's yours. Even if she refuses it, she cannot change it. She isn't benefiting from it, thats all. What you give, Momo, is yours forever. What you keep is lost for all time" 

Eric-Emmanuel Schmitt, Mr. Ibrahim and the Flowers of the Koran

I feel that the only way for me to survive is stop fighting with this love, stop trying to forget. I should try to be happy not despite of this feeling but somehow because of it. And, at the same time, I must be able to accept current situation - I'm not able to change it. But so many beautiful things had happend! More than I could ever dream about! :-) So I'm standing right here and right now with my love to her... I'm ready to take a step forward. 

119 - 01.09.2012

It can't be as bad as it looks like. I'm strong... I MUST be strong. Even if not for myself, then for those who are important to me.

118 - 31.08.2012

Whatever... Just take a deep breath, try to smile and observe what happens next.